A Confession of A Person Who Thought He Was Strong.

3rd July 2010 I ended up in dead end in my life. I can't pursue on my dream as a Agriculturalist. With broken hearts and shattered soul. I was forced to find another way in my life. It was hard as hell. With a lot of nagging from my family. Stress has embrace me until I can't breath. I taught I was gonna die. Without hope and dreams to clink on. Feeling that life is meaningless. No matter how hard i tried. I still can't pursue on. Even worst I wasted 3 years of my teenage life. All of this is due to my results are like crap.

4th July 2010, there is a dim light from afar. Nursing course is introduced into my life. It's never what i wanted. I never taught of it. And i truly despised it. Thinking that as a nurse i will end up in a hospital for the rest of my life. In the other hand, I taught of leaving home. It's always what i wanted. I wanna leave my parents, siblings. i wanted to escape them. Hoping for a quieter life, a calmer life. To start a new. To a place where I have to start again. I made my choice. i decided to leave.

8th July 2010. I flew to a place so much stranger to me. I was alone. Looking forward to my new campus life. Hoping to make new friends. Hoping to be independent. I was free at last! Well, i really got what i wanted. people around me kept asking why do I chose this course. i told them various reason which are untrue. Hiding around the bushes. Wanting no one to know more about me.

I have to do everything on my own. I travel around alone. Eat alone. Worked alone. Study alone. No one to nag around. No one to discipline me. No one to bust into my room without knocking. No shouting from my parents neither my siblings. I got all the things I wanted all these years. No one to nag me when i smoke and when i drink until i was so drunk and puke everywhere. Young people all around me. Fooling and joking around. I thought this is life. This is what i always wanted. To be free. To be independence. I really love it that time. I really do. Carefree life... Only towards my study.

Until.....

1 October 2010. I finished my semester 1 theory course. Practical is a must for us in every semester. I was being sent to Batu Pahat, Johor. I got to know more about what is Nursing is all about. and in the same time to do hands on work rather than just sitting in my classroom listening or sleeping. No more 100 percent based on text books and lectures.

As soon we arrived. We are welcome warmly by my friend's mother. She is very friendly. She brought us to a lot of place. Sight seeing, beach and etc. But sadly, his son was admited into the hospital as soon da next day due to high fever. Every night as soon after work she will sleep beside his bed. But not long after that he was admitted into ICU. Still the same, She still visit him, praying. Hoping her son will get well soon. I was always peeking at a corner. Looking at the situation. Honestly I was touched.


In the ward there is a middle age aunty. Her name was Lim Ah Moi. 54 of age. Suffered in a tragic accident on the highway. She was with her father during the accident. She suffered form burns and multiple bone fractures. She was admited during 16th August. She is only able to speak Hokkien. No other language. Not long after that. She is put under my care. I took care of her daily ADL. Not long after that, our bond grown stronger. I really do love to talk to her. Although she is always very noisy and naggy. I really treat her like my aunt. They really look alike. I really don't want this tragic accident to happen in either one of my family members.

If not mistaken it was Thursday~ While I was on duty, one of the patient was in an emergency situation. Her pulse is droping drastically. CPR is preformed immediately. Adrenaline is administered. Doctors are trying hard to resurrect her. After a few minutes, she was pronounce dead. That is the first time I saw person pass away. Honestly, I take it lightly. Telling myself that may be she is already in a critical stage. She contracted liver cancer.

Until one day. After 2 weeks, a patient was admitted into the ward. He met an accident. He is in a coma. Everything was fine. Blood pressure. Everything. Everything is in perfect order. Only waiting for him to wake up. All his family member was all around his bed praying for him. Looking forward for him to wake up. His childrens, wife and relatives always check in on time to visit him during visiting hour. After a few days, without any warning or what so ever. His pulse drop drastically. Doctors rushed into the ward. In the end is still.....I can hear all the family's weeping from a far. It touch my heart. At this point of time, all memories came back to me, I can still remember how my mother has to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure my tempreture is under control every time when I fever. How she took care of our needs. How she worked hard for us during our financial crisis. All the sweat and blood that she has to shed while taking care of us. At this point of time. My emotion was too stirred up. I can't focus on my work. But i still manage to control my emotion to preform all procedures. Since after that, I was so afraid that i might loose all my patient. Not to say my family members.

after 3 weeks of practical. Finally it is coming to an end. All those love and care that i has poured out it has never gone to waste. Most of the patient are well and had left the hospital after the recovery of their illness... Am glad about it. About the aunty which i mention. She wad also sent to a nursing home. I can still remember her smile when i carry her into her wheel chair when i send her off. I surely gonna miss her. At this point of time. I can still how my aunty treat me when i was young. Her smile is my encouragement in my daily life. The pocket money that she use to give us every morning. He stories that she use to tell us. The jokes that she made me and the rest of my siblings laugh so hard. The care that she gave me when I was injured with sever bleeding on my toes when my parents are away on church mission. Although she always get angry out of nothing at all. But her smile has covered all her imperfect.

In my clinical posting. I somehow realise how much my family loves me. My aunt, my grandparents, my mum, my dad and my siblings. The love and care that they has showered on me. Why can't i see it?! Until i was far away from my home and i have to learn it form a hospital?! Why am i so ignorant?! Until today, I still can't answer this question. I kept on telling that may be this is a teenagers life. U have to experience it in order to learn from it. I kept quiet about it. It will be a little embarrassing if i had tell them. Chinese what~ bin poi pang beh lok~

Until recently, my dad came to Melacca on a conference. I met him up on Wednesday as it is Thaipusam. I spend 4 days and 3 night together. Really had enjoy myself. I never felt so close to my dad before. As if suddently i can feel what he feel. Every night when his asleep, I would get up and look at him. I realise he is getting older than I can remember. the scar that is on his hand, i can still remember how does it happened. It is still so clear in my memories. the anger that is in his eyes and now is so much calmer~ I tried to hold back my feeling after thinking how long will he still be around us. I really wonder hard.


Yesterday, he has went back home. After sending off his flight. First time in my life, I missed him so much. I missed everyone of u guys back home. How i wish I can be there now. I miss you all. I really do. Please forgive me for all the wrong things that I have done. For making the decision to leave home. I really miss u guys. Lastly I wanted to say I love u guys so much! I miss how u guys shout and making all sorts of commotion. Looking forward for Jun to go home once again~